How do you explain Death when you are trying to teach Life?

Posted in Our Thoughts, Parenting decisions by jahbella

I was going to pen my thought on this on my Facebook Status Update but then I realize it wouldn’t do the topic or the feelings I have of it, any justice.

So how did this topic/ thought come up?

As you would know Jah has just turned 3 and like any other 3 year old, he is only just discovering this wider world around him in the social sense of it. He is just trying to grasp the fact that the people who come to play with him every weekend and whom he calls Aunty/ Uncle are his mummy’s meimeis and didi. He is just wrapping his little head around the fact that his mummy is also someone else’s jiejie. He is just starting to understand that his Papa and Mummy also have their own Papa and Mummy. He is also just learning about how babies grow in tummies and need to stay there for awhile before they can ‘come out’ and play (Thanks Aunty Chelsea for being the ‘textbook’ for that lesson 😉 – he is very excited to meet the baby btw).

So while we are trying to teach him lessons about new life, family, relationships and marriages. It is really tough when the topic of death has to be addressed. While the topic is probably inevitable at some point, I really wish I didn’t have to address it, at 3 years old. (Note I don’t allow the words ‘kill’ or ‘die’ to be used at home, rather we say faint when talking about the superheroes slaying the bad guys). So to explain death is especially tough when we have to tread carefully around some words.

The topic also becomes super unavoidable when his question to me was “mummy, where is your mummy?” and “why your mummy never stay with my uncles and aunties? “

I thought I was prepared for that question but putting it all into words, is harder than I had expected. How do I explain this to him, without scaring him? How do I explain it to him without trivializing my own mother’s existence? And how do I explain it to him, without him harboring hopes of seeing her at the next family gathering?

This was the conversation we had (in the darkness of his room) and my haphazardly put together answer. I can tell you, I still do not have a better answer/ approach after pondering about this for days after.

Jah: mummy, where is your mummy? why she never stay with my uncles and aunties? She stay at other people’s house?

Me: Oh. My mummy…ermm..my mummy is staying with Jesus Papa (aka God) at his house. (On hindsight, I should probably have given the place a name – heaven).

Jah: Why she stay at Jesus Papa house?

Me: She is staying at his house because he needs her to help him. He needs her to help look after the good people.

Jah: And the babies.

Me: Yes and the babies.

Though the conversation was short and ended as abruptly as it had started, it felt like one of the longest and toughest conversations I have ever had with him. How do you explain death and the existence of a loved one they will never meet?

His last statement left me to wonder if he had more insight into heaven than I know about (But that’s another topic for another day )

More importantly, I know that this is not going to be the first conversation we have about death and my mum. I know many of us will have to explain this to our child at some point. It is not going to be an easy moment but yet a moment we really want to honour. An opportunity to talk to them about that someone we wished they had a chance to know.

Learning to explain death while teaching them about life…

JahBella’s Mummy

18Jan2015

Why your kids may think you are confused?

Posted in Our Thoughts, Parenting decisions by jahbella

Aren’t we parents supposed to have our act together all the time? We should know everything or so we would like our kids to think. And we most certainly are not confused, heaven forbid they ever know that we have confused moments! However some of the things we say or do may cause our kids to think otherwise. :p

What time should I wake up?

Jah gets up at approximately 7am on most mornings (I say most because sometimes he thinks that 6am is a fabulous time especially on weekends). So on most mornings (weekdays) I try my best to get his butt out of bed as quickly as possible. Weekend is a different story all together, on weekends he tries his best to get my butt out of bed while I repeatedly tell him to go back to sleep. On weekday mornings, I also talk to him in my most animated and liveliest voice possible to excite him about going to school. While on weekends, our conversations are conducted with my eyes closed and yes a grunt from me counts as a conversation.

Where should I sleep?

Our bedtime routine would start with me putting Jah to bed in his room at 9pm. Every now and then Jah would try his luck and ask if he could fall asleep in my bed, to which the answer is always “No, you are a big boy now and you have to sleep in your own bed.” He will then proceed to wake up at around 1am to 2am, to look for me. Sitting in his room while I wait for him to fall asleep, is truly the least appealing and most frustrating thing in the world, especially when I had just been awoken from a deep sleep. So every night without fail, I will walk into his room when he wakes and ask if he would like to come to my room (at least I am in my nice comfy bed while he falls asleep). Sometimes he tells me no and then I will proceed to harass him until he says yes and we ‘pack’ up his blanket, pillow and teddy and head over to mummy’s bed.

Potty or Diapers?

I might have been guilty of this once or twice before or I most certainly had entertained the thought. This was something I definitely struggled with, in the early days of potty training. You know the early days where your child isn’t fully potty trained and he was still in diapers during occasions like bedtime or outings? Do you remember the moments when that little child would turn to you and go “mummy I need to pee” and your response to him was “it’s ok, you can pee in your diapers”, just because it was more convenient/ you were feeling alittle too tired/ lazy to deal with this now. :p

How big/small am I?

I’m sure age and size has featured very often in our reasoning/ explanations/ excuses to our kids. “No you are too small/ young so you are not allowed to do this, wait till you are older” or “You are a big boy now so you shouldn’t behave like this”. If I were my kid, I would probably ask me once and for all, so am I big or small? Make up your mind mummy!

Being a parent is tough, trying to keep track of the excuses/ reasons we give our children and making sure they all match up. Being consistent is especially tough when you only have sleep in mind. It’s really hard to think like a mum when you are in a sleep induced state. However I have to say being a kid is even tougher especially when mummy is so confused. They probably wished they could shake some sense into us. 😉

How confused are you? 🙂

JahBella’s Mummy

1Dec2014

Things you should never say to a mother (especially if you are a mother too)

Posted in Our Thoughts, Uncategorized by jahbella

I have to admit that I may at some point have been guilty of some of these things so to help remind myself and for the better of womankind…here is a list of things you should never say to a mother. Yes especially if you are a mother yourself (we should all know better).

Never ask a woman or a mother if she is pregnant. We all know how sensitive these issues can be, so do yourself and the other person a favor and just don’t ask! Let’s put it this way, if she wanted you to know, she will find a way to let you know. If she is, everyone will eventually know and you wouldn’t have to ask and look silly right?

When you see someone’s child in spectacles/ leg brace/ or perhaps find out that they are attending therapy or lessons to help with learning issue. Please NEVER EVER go “oh so poor thing”, especially in front of the child (by the way they can hear you and unless you are speaking your own weird language, they understand what you are saying!) I would like to point out that there is nothing ‘poor thing’ about any of the above situation especially if it is being addressed. There is nothing bad about a parent accepting that his/her child needs early intervention regardless of what type and we do not need to make them feel like there is something wrong with the situation or their child.

Never tell a mother what toys her child should or shouldn’t be playing with. Don’t get me wrong, we all love recommendations and tips to make our parenting journey easier. But we don’t appreciate being told what to do or worse still someone insinuating that we are doing a crappy job. I believe this also applies to the food we allow/ disallow of kids to eat.

Never tell a mother that you haven’t seen her since her child was born. It is one thing to have her best intentions at heart and perhaps you would like to volunteer babysitting so she can get away for 5 minutes? But it’s an entirely different thing if you are whinning about the fact that she doesn’t have time for you or a girls night out, you get the idea. I doubt she has taken an uninterrupted shower since her child was born so yes personally I’ll choose uninterrupted shower time. 😉

Lastly, never ask a mother any question that you and I know, is just going lead to you judging her parenting skills/ decisions. Need some examples?

Oh you are not breastfeeding anymore? + The “oh so poor thing” look to the child
You are still breastfeeding? + The “skeptical – isn’t this child too old to still be breastfeeding” look
Oh you allow your child to use a pacifier/ suck his thumb?

And the list goes on….

And to all mummies hang in there! Regardless of what anyone ask/says/ insinuates, just remember that you are doing the best for yourself and your child.

I personally live by the belief that if I am going to make a parenting mistake (we all do at some point), it should be my mistake and not because I chose to live by someone else’s opinions. 🙂

Deep breath mummies!

JahBella’s Mummy

17Nov2014

Our Family Rules on Sharing

Posted in Parenting decisions by jahbella

We have been trying to teach Jah the concept of sharing for the longest time and I’m sure this is one lesson which a lot of parents struggle with. Convincing their kids to share with their siblings, with their classmates, with that little kid in the playground or even to share the toy at the toy store that doesn’t even belong to him.

This lesson becomes especially hard when the sharing rule differs with different sets of people and also teaching the fact that people are entitled to say no if they do not wish to share their belongings. I know how our parents used to just preach that we HAVE TO share regardless of who the toy belonged to, who had it first, how unreasonable the other child is being. No if someone else wants the toy then the ‘right’ thing to do is for us to share, to relinquish, to give it up to that other child and to move on.

In our household, we (Joel and I) are learning not to subscribe to the same age old teaching on sharing that we grew up with. It is tough!

Sharing with your sibling

Sharing with your sibling is almost mandatory in our household (in a perfect scenario :p). The only exception to the rule is if one sibling is playing with a ‘borrowed’ toy and the other sibling (owner) wants it back then it has to be returned. The owner of the toy is also allowed to suggest alternatives if he/she is playing with a particular toy that the other sibling wants. We have to accept that some toys are not ideal for shared usage and they just have to learn to take turns and respect ownership.

Sharing your toys with other children

When playing in a public domain with their own toys, we teach the kids that they are allowed to say no if someone approaches them for the toys. It gets alittle tough when innocent little ones just walk over and pick up a toy (its natural!) and sometimes I have no choice but to intervene. I usually ask Jah if he is ok to share and play together with the child. If it’s a no then that’s ok and I will gently ask for the toy back from the child. I feel bad about this and I hate to be the one to ‘break the bad news’ (always hoping that their parent would step in instead) Although that doesn’t always happen and some parents may also give you the dirty look. However this is one lesson and message that I need to remain consistent with because while I don’t force them to share their toys, I also teach them that they have to accept it when someone says no to their sharing request. Jah still finds it very hard to understand. We are teaching him to ask if he has a ‘sharing request’ but we are also trying to teach him that not all requests end with a yes. At times, he tries to barter trade or negotiate eg. I’ll share my toy with you and you share yours with me. (I’m quite glad that he has this skill) but yes he needs to learn that you don’t win every negotiation :p

So yes while I would hope that my kids are willing to share their toys with each other and their friends and even strangers all the time, I don’t expect it and would never force them to. While they may not be able to rationalize or reason as well as most adults :p I believe their unwillingness to share is no different from ours. It stems from a sense of ownership and I think I can respect that. 🙂

JahBella’s Mummy

17Sep2014

Birthday Cake Options for a 3 year old – What is allowed and what isn’t

Posted in Parenting decisions by jahbella

We are fast approaching Jah’s 3^rd birthday and what would a birthday be without a birthday cake right? Except we all know that getting a birthday cake for a 3 year old is a mean feat! You see, this is not a 1 year old baby who is not going to be able to eat his cake. This is also not a 2 year old who is just starting to talk and recognize his favourite cartoon characters. This is an opinionated 3 year old whose mind changes everytime you say “ok so you are sure that’s the cake you want?” Worse still, we have to get him TWO cakes, one for his school celebration and one for his home party. Up until recently, these are the combinations that he has requested for.

Cars Cake (School), Avengers Cake (Home)
Avengers Cake (School), Cars Cake (Home)
Mickey Cake with Mickey, Minnie, Goofy, Daisy and Pete, Donald not allowed to be featured (School), Cars Cake (Home)

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