What Chinese New Year means to me as a mother

Posted in Our Thoughts, Parenting decisions by jahbella

What does Chinese New Year mean to you? Or should I say what do you think of when I mention Chinese New Year? I think to many, Chinese New Year reminds them of some of the obvious, like lots of feasting and snacking on goodies, visiting relatives and collecting ang pows as well as reunion dinners and ‘lo-heing’.

Oddly, my Chinese New Years have never quite been about the above things except for reunion dinner which I absolutely love (because my mum was a fantastic cook and my sister has inherited her genes). But I don’t quite do or like to do most of the obvious CNY stuff.

Our Reunion Dinner feast this year cooked by my sisters dearest..

Rather CNY reminds me of the little family traditions that my mum used to insist we follow as kids.

Traditions like having a new set of PJs to wear on CNY eve or my mum forcing us to stay awake past midnight because apparently the later you stay up, the longer your parents live. Nowadays we will be chasing our kids off to bed, the earlier they sleep, the longer I feel I will live. :p

CNY also reminds me of the whole family crowding around the TV on CNY eve and watching the countdown show. The evening was spent with me translating the fortune predictions for the various zodiacs in our family because the geomancer’s mandarin was too ‘chim’ for my mum.

CNY is just one of many occasions/ festivals that remind me of my mum.

CNY is one of many occasions where I wish I could turn to my mum to ask if I am doing things right with my kids.

As a mother, it is also one of those occasions that is often bittersweet because I wished I could share my own experiences as a mother with her and ‘compare notes’.

Remembering my mum and her little CNY traditions is also one of the reasons why I am trying to establish my own little CNY family traditions that my kids can hopefully look back on one day. Even if some of these little CNY traditions may deviate from the norm or ‘obligation’/ expectations of others. Us kids were the only things that mattered to my mum and so I suppose if I had the chance to turn to my mum today and ask her for her opinion on the traditions I’m thinking of setting..I think I know what answer I will get.

I know I have big shoes to fill and as I search for my footing as a mother this CNY and the CNYs to come, I hope I do my mum proud. 🙂

JahBella’s Mummy

13Feb2015

15 things I will do differently in 2015

Posted in Blog Train, Our Thoughts, Parenting decisions by jahbella

So when Rachel of Catch Fortywinks initated this blog train, I was excited to attempt my first blog train and attempt to write outside of my comfort zone. However I was also alittle concerned if I could find 15 things to do differently in 2015. Not because I’m perfect but because this was a way to document some of my New Year resolutions and to be honest, I’m not very good at keeping to my resolutions. It becomes a whole lot scarier when it is no longer just promises you make in your head but instead written on paper or in this case, on my blog for everyone to see.

But I figured since there were so many of us doing this (34 of us mummy bloggers to be exact), I might as well attempt it and try to have some fun while I’m at it. You can read the other 33 posts at this link 🙂

So here goes nothing, continuing from where Mamabliss left off on the blog train yesterday…15 things I will do differently in 2015 (in no particular order).

Enjoy our family holidays and go with the flow– ok this is not to say that I will stop planning our family holiday itineraries. There is no way that the kids or Joel and I would survive an unplanned holiday. We need structure! However after all the planning has been done for my sanity, I will enjoy our time together and if it means we deviate from the plan slightly during the holidays, I will go with the flow. I will no longer chase the next time slot on our itinerary, I will live in the moment with my family. 🙂

No more standard praises– No more ‘good jobs!, no more ‘wow that’s awesome!’ I am going to start qualifying what was so good or awesome about what Jah or Bella had just done. There is going to be more “I’m so proud of you because…” and “we feel very happy that you…”

Photo Credit: completecoach.pro

No more patronizing ‘Yes’, ‘That’s nice’ and ‘Ok’ – I have been very guilty of just responding to Jah without processing what he is actually telling me sometimes. This happens a lot in the car when my mind is on something else and he just wants to have a conversation with me. I only catch myself when he does a follow up question or statement that I can’t respond to or realize that I have given him permission to something that isn’t allowed.

Stop rushing the kids – I suppose with the exception of rushing for school or work in the morning (within reason). I will stop rushing my kids on weekends. “Hurry we are going to be late for waterplay, finish your bread and lets go!” Nopes, no more of those.

No more handphones during playtime –This is going to be tough but I know that Jah is getting increasingly annoyed when he sees Joel or I holding our handphones during playtime. I am going to eliminate the use of handphone while playing with JahBella. No more scrolling facebook or checking my Whatsapp messages.

Bag Checking – I used to be involved when it came to what goes in and out of Jah’s school bag each day. Then Bella came along and I outsourced the packing of both their school bags to my helper and yes sometimes we drop the ball. This year, I will personally check their bags to make sure that nothing is missed from their communication books and the right items are in their school bags, this is going to be my new night routine.

Be present but unavailable –I don’t know about other mums but I find myself ever present and ever available with my kids even if I shouldn’t be. For example, how many of you find yourselves in the shower but have your ears peeled in case one of your kids start shouting for you or starts a tantrum or a fight with his/her sibling. I find myself always in ‘fight mode’, on my toes and ever ready to run out even if there was another adult in the same room with them. So in 2015, I will be present (aware of the troubles outside in case I need to intervene at some point) but I will try to be unavailable (let someone else attend to the issue first). :p

More family bikes rides– Allowing for more activity time as a family of 4. Equipping 2 adults to handle 2 kids and creating more opportunities for Jah and Bella to co-exist and interact.

More couple bikes rides/ skate scoot nights– Creating more opportunities and space for us to communicate and ‘operate’ as a couple rather than as parents.

Read more –I used to read and then the kids came along. I now buy magazines that I would like to read but never find the time to flip through them. So in 2015, I am going to make full use of my Kindle Fire and start reading again. Perhaps some book reviews too?

Getting our hands dirty – I will attempt more activities in the outdoors (sandplay, waterplay, nature stuff, gardening) as well as indoors (arts and craft, painting, playdoh) with the kids and worry or fuss less about how we are going to clean up.

Savour the bedtime conversations – I am often in a rush to put Jah to bed. I typically sit in his room (in the dark) for 30mins to an hour until he falls asleep (in my lap). This is normally my down time where I get to catch up on my tv dramas on my tablet while he slowly drifts off to sleep. So I often find myself hushing him or cutting our conversations short so that he would drift off to sleep faster. I need to start enjoying the bedtime conversations with my boy before he stops wanting me in his room even if it means delaying my down time.

Spending more time with Bella– Having kids who are close in age has its pros and cons. Jah and Bella are only 18 months apart and this meant I had to focus a lot of energy and attention on Jah even after Bella was born. It has become routine in our household for me to attend to Jah’s needs while Bella’s needs are met by Joel or mostly our helper. With Bella slowly developing her own personality, I need to start ‘knowing’ and understanding her as well as I know her brother. I need to start spending more focused time and conversational moments with her, to know what makes her tick.

Targeted Online Shopping– No more impulse online buys full-stop.

Blog more about our experiences and write more outside my comfort zone– 2014 was an overwhelming year. I only started blogging in July and had the whole of early 2014 to document and catch up on. The moment I started blogging, I also became more aware of how we were spending our time as a family and with it came more opportunities to do things differently with our kids and more things to blog about. I’m not complaining though. I love that we are now so much more conscious of how we spend our family time and weekends and I get to blog about these experiences. In 2015, I will be seek to blog more! – catch up on overdue posts, discover new experiences with my kids and lastly, come out of my writing comfort zone which means more active participation in blog trains and the likes.

Heres to doing things differently in 2015! 🙂

Next Up on the Blog Train is Summer from A Happy Mum

Summer is a media executive turned SAHM from Singapore who stepped into the gratifying journey of motherhood during her 4-year stay in Sweden. Life has never gotten more fulfilling since then and she is now the mother of two lovely girls. She believes that contentment is bliss and that happiness is about making the best of what you have. A Happy Mum is a place where she blogs about motherhood, babies, kids, love, DIY crafts, travelling and all things happy. Check out what are the 15 things that this happy mum will be doing differently in 2015 tomorrow!

12Feb2015

Rough 2 Weeks as Parents – The Spectacle Lens Episode

Posted in Our Thoughts, Parenting decisions by jahbella

Its been a really rough 2 weeks…our Monday started with us finding out that our car had been badly scratched. Yes what a way to welcome the new week! And if that fiasco was not enough, we ended the work week with Jah losing one of his spectacle lens.

Jah and his missing spectacle lens episode was a really tough one because he started Fri morning by being super uncooperative and then he popped his spectacle lens out of its frame (or so we thought). This made us really really mad! In that moment when he was being extremely uncooperative and we were rushing for work, we didn’t think to ask him the right questions. Our immediate reaction was to accuse him for being an extremely naughty boy, demanding to know where the lens was and basically just being really mad at him. The poor boy.

We eventually realized that he was just pointing out to us that his lens was missing and it had been gone since the night before. 😦

We had to change our Saturday plans to get his spectacles fixed. We were told it was going to take 4 working days and since he didn’t have a spare pair, he was going to have to deal with not having his spectacles for a whole week.

Given that he occasionally takes a break from wearing his specs when playing sports or at the end of the day, we figured that he wouldn’t miss it too much. We were wrong. All the ‘behavioural issues’ (which is what we call it but probably too strong a word) that we stopped seeing since he started wearing his specs, all came crashing back that weekend. By the end of it, I was really really exhausted from having to deal with an ultra unreasonable, super sensitive/ emotional and extra insecure child who was upset that he couldn’t see clearly and was taking it out his confusion and frustration on us.

The school week started and I thought he was starting to cope a little better. School seemed to be fine and well I only had to deal with him for 3 hours after school, before bed time came around. I know it sounds really bad to put it this way but it was really tough.

Last night I mention to the poor fella that he would be getting his specs back tomorrow and he broke down. I was shocked. I think he tried to get through the week by pretending that it didn’t bother him one bit to not have his specs. I think he tried to pretend that he didn’t need it to see. I think he felt alittle betrayed and upset that it was ‘taken away’ from him.

With everything that has happened, I feel like such a bad parent. A bad parent for not listening to my child and finding out the facts before exploding. A bad parent for not being able to tolerate him acting out despite it not being his fault. A bad parent for not realizing how badly he needed his specs (both physically and emotionally). 😦

It has been a really rough 2 weeks, another reminder for us on how to be a better parent… I hope it gets better….

JahBella’s Mummy

1Feb2015

A Marriage Reflection and a Book Review

Posted in Book Review, Our Thoughts by jahbella

I don’t normally write about marriage-related stuff well yes my kids are marriage –related :p but well you know what I mean. I have also never written a book review on this blog before and given that reading is something I would like to do more of this year, I suppose you might be seeing more of these in 2015. So before I go on, let me clarify that this post is really less about the book per se but more about what I have gained from it, from a marriage life perspective.

To be very honest, I wasn’t exactly blown away by the book, in a “I can’t bear to put it down” manner. The book was almost unnecessarily long for the story it was trying to tell and at times I found myself speed reading, hoping to find the end. The ending was also quite anti-climatic if you ask me. Then why am I even bothering to write this right?

Well the execution of the story may not have been flawless but the message it was trying to get across (or at least the message I got from it) was really quite powerful.

So the story goes like this – Alice wakes up after hitting her head in a fall and finds out that life as she knows it, has been fast forwarded by 10 years. The last she remembers (from 10 years ago), she was happily married and pregnant with her first baby. What she doesn’t remember is the fact that she is now the mother of 3 children and about to get a divorce. The story progresses to reveal the type of person, wife and mother she has evolved into, in the last 10 years.

The story revolves around her trying to find out why her marriage is falling apart and trying to salvage it. Without the ‘baggage’ of the last 10 years and its memories and experiences, Alice finds it hard to comprehend why her husband dislikes her so much. She doesn’t understand why he jumps at every word she says, in anticipation of the point he thinks she is about to make and ready to launch ‘an attack’ of his own to defend his ‘turf’.

The story got me thinking. Why is it that we are the meanest people to the ones who are closest to us or the ones who love us the most? Is it because we feel that we can get away with it because they love us?

Why do we get defensive the moment our loved ones make a statement or start to say something? Is it because we assume we know them so well and know what they are ‘up to’ or the point they are trying to make? Is it because we are ‘burdened by the baggage’ of our past memories and experiences?

I notice that many of the arguments in my marriage start because we refuse to listen with an open mind. What if we truly listened and take in what the other person is really saying. Listen like we used to when we first started dating or first got married. Not make assumptions and think “oh I know you too well” and “I know exactly what you are trying to do here”. What if we all took a step back and not make these assumptions. What if we truly tried NOT to make a point, to lure our other half into an argument we have already won in our minds.

It is a blessing to know another person so well but it might also be a curse if the knowledge is used in the wrong manner. Perhaps we can all start by remembering the person whom we fell in love with, years ago. (11 years ago in my case) 🙂 And perhaps we can ‘simplify’ the relationship with no agendas, no baggage and no pre-assumptions.

Happy 11^th year (dating) anniversary my husband!

JahBella’s Mummy

27Jan2015

How do you explain Death when you are trying to teach Life?

Posted in Our Thoughts, Parenting decisions by jahbella

I was going to pen my thought on this on my Facebook Status Update but then I realize it wouldn’t do the topic or the feelings I have of it, any justice.

So how did this topic/ thought come up?

As you would know Jah has just turned 3 and like any other 3 year old, he is only just discovering this wider world around him in the social sense of it. He is just trying to grasp the fact that the people who come to play with him every weekend and whom he calls Aunty/ Uncle are his mummy’s meimeis and didi. He is just wrapping his little head around the fact that his mummy is also someone else’s jiejie. He is just starting to understand that his Papa and Mummy also have their own Papa and Mummy. He is also just learning about how babies grow in tummies and need to stay there for awhile before they can ‘come out’ and play (Thanks Aunty Chelsea for being the ‘textbook’ for that lesson 😉 – he is very excited to meet the baby btw).

So while we are trying to teach him lessons about new life, family, relationships and marriages. It is really tough when the topic of death has to be addressed. While the topic is probably inevitable at some point, I really wish I didn’t have to address it, at 3 years old. (Note I don’t allow the words ‘kill’ or ‘die’ to be used at home, rather we say faint when talking about the superheroes slaying the bad guys). So to explain death is especially tough when we have to tread carefully around some words.

The topic also becomes super unavoidable when his question to me was “mummy, where is your mummy?” and “why your mummy never stay with my uncles and aunties? “

I thought I was prepared for that question but putting it all into words, is harder than I had expected. How do I explain this to him, without scaring him? How do I explain it to him without trivializing my own mother’s existence? And how do I explain it to him, without him harboring hopes of seeing her at the next family gathering?

This was the conversation we had (in the darkness of his room) and my haphazardly put together answer. I can tell you, I still do not have a better answer/ approach after pondering about this for days after.

Jah: mummy, where is your mummy? why she never stay with my uncles and aunties? She stay at other people’s house?

Me: Oh. My mummy…ermm..my mummy is staying with Jesus Papa (aka God) at his house. (On hindsight, I should probably have given the place a name – heaven).

Jah: Why she stay at Jesus Papa house?

Me: She is staying at his house because he needs her to help him. He needs her to help look after the good people.

Jah: And the babies.

Me: Yes and the babies.

Though the conversation was short and ended as abruptly as it had started, it felt like one of the longest and toughest conversations I have ever had with him. How do you explain death and the existence of a loved one they will never meet?

His last statement left me to wonder if he had more insight into heaven than I know about (But that’s another topic for another day )

More importantly, I know that this is not going to be the first conversation we have about death and my mum. I know many of us will have to explain this to our child at some point. It is not going to be an easy moment but yet a moment we really want to honour. An opportunity to talk to them about that someone we wished they had a chance to know.

Learning to explain death while teaching them about life…